The Weekly Report

Though I had the weekend off, Mr. Doctor is away and Mrs. Doctor has just called me from a boy scout meeting to tell me that she needs to take one of the younger boys to the emergency room to have his foot looked at, and could I please put the rest of the boys to bed when she gets back?

This isn’t really a problem. The boys are easy to put to bed; this is probably because I’m on the more terrifying side of the nanny spectrum, and no I won’t sit in your room with you for forty minutes after I read you a book. Your parents do that because they enjoy having no time to themselves. Go to sleep.

(They always go to sleep. They know who they can play and who they can’t.)

Anyway, I’ve already failed miserably at reading a book a week, because The Doomsday Book is surprisingly slow to read. The general premise is that time travel is available for historical scholars, and one such scholar is sent back to the incredibly dangerous Middle Ages to, you know, see what it’s like. Was everyone covered in mud and dying of the plague all the time? Let’s find out!

It’s been an interesting book, except it’s split evenly between her interesting experiences in the Middle Ages and the significantly less interesting bits where the rest of the scholars try to sort out a lot of problems in the modern day. The modern day is right outside my door, let me hear about the Black Death!

This week has been one for disguises. I did another “look like someone else” on Wednesday, but didn’t post about it because it was slightly underwhelming. My eyes are blue, and this Wednesday was going to be brown hair and brown eyes, but sadly the Japanese contacts I purchased are- surprise- made to turn already brown eyes a different shade of brown, not to completely darken lighter eyes.

So instead of rich brown eyes I had watery dull eyes that looked as though I was going blind, which might have been the case if I had left the contacts in.

img_20161019_154733611

I very much liked this wig. It was a cross between “futuristic female from dystopian society” and “toddler funfun music band mascot”.

I also spent an hour before the Halloween party on Friday running some errands in my Ms. Frizzle costume, just to see if anybody recognized me. No one recognized me.

img_20161022_175918800

The Dunkin’ Donuts people wouldn’t stop giving me Looks, though, so at least I managed that “crazy cat lady” look if nothing else.

My friends on The Facebook are getting more and more desperately political as the election time draws near, and this is interesting because my friends from Idaho are largely Conservative and my friends from the east coast are largely Liberal, and everyone’s equally frenzied, but fortunately none of them can see each other’s posts because I never like or comment on any of them.

This is the first presidential election I can vote in, having been sixteen the last time it came around, and I’m wondering if political fervor comes with age. Like a second puberty: One day I’ll wake up and have all these strange urges to debate the merits of various candidates and to slander the opposing party on the World Wide Web.

I’m a late bloomer.

Brunches and Bashes

As the leaves change colors and the cold seeps in, my friends rustle their wings and drive south to eat brunch on the regular.

I was very excited at the idea of brunch, because I had never seriously eaten brunch before. “Gosh,” I was thinking, “what an amazing concept! Instead of eating breakfast or lunch you can eat one big combination in the middle! How revolutionary!”

So myself and seven of my friends planned on going out to eat brunch this morning. 11:00 sharp, they said. I could hardly wait.

As 11:00 neared, a group text was sent out, explaining that even though we had a reservation, a reservation of 20 people had pushed our eating date back to 11:30 to 11:45. All right, that’s fine. We can wait that long, what’s the rush?

So at 11:30, we showed up at the restaurant and were told they could not seat us until all of our party was there. This seemed fair. We were only missing one person, and the restaurant was so crowded that there was a line out the door. While we waited for the last arrival, we wondered why this restaurant in particular, a rather generic looking place, happened to be so woefully crowded. No conclusions were drawn.

At 11:45, our last member collected, we approached the podium again, only to be told that our table wasn’t ready because the previous group of people were still eating. Well, this wasn’t the restaurant’s fault. Some prodding on the part of our ringleader made the hostess reluctantly say that it would be another twenty or thirty minutes.

Well, 12:10 wasn’t so bad. We dispersed, walked around the pet store, poked through the sewing shop, chatted a little. When 12:10 came by, we headed back to be seated.

“We’re sorry, but the previous table is still there,” the frazzled hostess announced, pointing at the monitor, which displayed a blurry group of individuals who were apparently part sloth. “It will just be a little while longer.”

The sloths were in an intense “who can eat the slowest” competition, and showed no desire to leave. Because the restaurant was so crowded, my friends and I shivered outside and stared in through the windows at the sloth party, pretending to be starving British paupers dying of Poor Disease.

At 12:45 the sloths decided it was probably time to leave, and only stayed another ten or so minutes. At 12:55, the waiters cleared the table and set it. At 1:05, we were finally called in to be seated, and drink orders were taken. I ordered a tea.

At this point I was seriously considering whether brunch was worthwhile. “This doesn’t seem all that great,” I mused silently. “Brunch time is too crowded to be-”

And then I was presented with a masterpiece.

img_20161022_125923582

Instead of sugar, they gave you a rock candy stick to stir your tea with.

This was the most amazing thing I had seen in my life. I brandished the rock candy stick in everyone’s faces. “Look, guys!” I exclaimed, in pure rapture. “I can stir my tea with a rock candy stick! My tea! Rock candy stick!”

My friends were less than impressed.

All in all, I think the wait was worth it simply for the joy of being able to stir with a rock candy stick. Imagine that, like it was a spoon and everything. Amazing.

This is also the time of year when my friends throw Halloween parties, and despite the cold and the wind and the rain and the mud and the threat of all of this worsening, there’s an outdoor party being held tonight. I tend to put off my costumes until the last minute, but fortunately I had a cosplay costume my sister had made for me leftover in my closet.

img_20161022_170350601

I enjoy being Ms. Frizzle because it’s the only time having frizzy red hair and a large nose really come in handy.

October Blonde

One day I woke up and thought to myself, “I want to purchase a large number of wigs, cosmetics, and colored contact lenses, and become a completely normal yet completely different person every Wednesday night in October.” And so that is what I did.

Every Wednesday night, you see, I attend a board game meetup with a lot of my dear friends. And typically, when I attend these meetups, I look like my normal self, which is mostly red, white, and blue.

Brace yourself.

img_20161012_131742251

Egads!

Terrible fish-eyed phone pictures aside, I generally look more presentable than that, in that if I ever look too much like that during the day I will wear a paper bag over my head for the sake of public well-being. But I thought it was an important picture to present, as I was about to rearrange everything in the hopes of looking like a completely different person.

I began with the contact lenses. I bought these contact lenses at the very reasonable price of $6 from a Chinese company that has clearly taken every precaution to make sure that I don’t suddenly go blind. I’m sure it’s totally safe, but I won’t share where I got them from because I’m too lazy to link it, and also I don’t want to be the cause of blindness for anyone else.

img_20161012_134335666I’m getting very good at putting contact lenses in: This set only took me one to three hours, two bottles of saline solution, and a small sacrifice to the contact lens gods.

Once I was sufficiently greened up, it was time to put on the wig cap and apply makeup with a painter’s roller and a flat iron, as you do.

I won’t share what makeup I used, as you can generally go to Walgreens and find the names of it under the “Manufacturer recall” notification, but I will share that it was all the cheapest of whatever I could find, and I applied it very carefully via fingerpainting.

img_20161012_135802527

I can still see freckles! Slap on some more!

The wig was next, of course, as was the hat to go on top of the wig to hide the fact that the wig resembled a $5 wig in every way because that’s what it was.

img_20161012_135950898

I primarily own hats so that I don’t have to worry about that section of my hair.

And that was… it, really. Next week will be a different wig and set of contacts. Why, you may or may not be asking? Because… um… you know, when I have a reason, I’ll get back to you.

img_20161012_140252038_burst001

Sadly, all my outfits will only ever be “very, very white girl.”